To My Younger Self

Dear You,

Sometimes things hurt so bad that you lose your breath when you cry. In your teenage years, this will rear it's ugly head because of boys. It will definitely spring up after the breakup with your first real boyfriend. Funny thing about that is you will continue to have sweet, caring dreams about him, possibly for the rest of your life. Of all the relationships in your life, this is true only for him. Your first, 7th grade, love. This pain of course is temporary and not the worst you will feel when it comes to all the dating and relationships you have in front of you. But for you, around this event, it will feel catastrophic. It feels that way because you haven't had any kind of pain like it before.

You will play some pretty heartbreaking basketball and volleyball games but the pain involving lost sporting events feels different. It's an agony of "if only" and there is no way to know if that only would have actually made a difference, which is why I think it's a more fleeting pain.  

All in all, things will be good for you. Growing into the mid to late teens, a very serious relationship comes along. He's a great guy and you will love him more than you thought was possible. In your age difference, him being 9 years older, it will be very easy to get intimate with him. There will be pressure, in your mind, to be mature and grown up, to want nothing more than to please him in all things. I want to warn you. Making the decision to have sex for the first time should be a much longer talk in high school or even at home. It's not like the movies. It is more like crashing your first car. There's adrenaline and from my experience it was over pretty quickly. You will regret the decision, but not for many, many, many years. You'll regret it when you come to the realization that your self-worth is far above the feeling that you have to have sex with someone so they love you. When you have the ah-ha moment that your role on a date should be about getting to know the guy and if he has qualities that you admire. Unfortunately you will spend many years being yourself- fun and easy going, interesting, and more often than not wearing more makeup than required. These things aren't bad- it's the fact that you only worry if you are good enough for him. Not if he is good enough for you. 

You will get the wanderlust for travel the summer before your 3rd year of college. Your tour of France lays the groundwork for your confidence to live your life doing things you want regardless if there is anyone around to join. This may be one of your most underrated characteristics. Growing up you would spend more time at home then with your 2 sisters staying and Grandma and Grandpa's. There will come a time though when this becomes a curse. 

It's in your mid twenties, after your first divorce that doesn't have any real lasting impact on your life per se, that something shifts inside of your mind. Your inner voice becomes an enemy. This is where I want to bring up your beliefs about God. You will have become Catholic your first year of college so that you would be a part of your older boyfriend's family, and could get married in a Catholic Church. Your concept of God is less than the Clif's notes version. He's the good guy and his 10 commandments are meant to be followed, the end. You begin to form opinions around religion that probably stem from the science of evolution. The general hypocrisy seen in the Christians that you interact with as you grow more into adult hood. In turn, it continues to reinforce negative opinions you develop because of events like the genocide in Rwanda, the wars in the Middle East. And of course, sex abuse cases against Priests put the final nail in that coffin. One book, written by Gary Zukav- The Seat of the Soul, will be the most positive influence on your spiritual beliefs. It will be based on karma and will give you a more balanced view of life. But this spiritual awakening isn't really significant. It will be a small point of reference when various topics come up, such as medical ethics, federal laws, etc. It will have a purely passive effect on your life. 

Two big things happen towards the end of your twenties. You will become the proud owner of a Bernese Mountain Dog named Beetle and over 10 years later, having her euthanized will be one of the hardest and most painful experiences you will have had. The second thing is the feeling of rejection that you will get when the man that you have been with for 3 years and with whom you lived with for one, shows very clear signs that he doesn't really have marriage on the mind. You will become very insecure and the anxiety around being that vulnerable will lead you to dissect the relationship into unrecognizable pieces, which then influences your decisions to break up with him. This pain and heartbreak is unlike any others at this point. It is a pain of not being good enough. This belief is in your mind. It was built on and reinforced by your enemy's voice in your thoughts. There isn't anything that you have in your mental arsenal to answer that enemy. When the enemy speaks, you believe it without question. 

This starts you on anti-depressants for the first time. In your 30's, you will struggle with depression. There will be 4 major episodes of depression, with two requiring hospitalization. These episodes will be triggered by ideas of being inadequate, unlovable, unattractive, and the grip that you allow them to have on you would break your skin if it were a literal object. You marry a man, that you deeply love. He will have two children that will bring about some minor stress. He will slowly, almost imperceptibly, shred your entire self-esteem. He will manipulate you on a cellular level. You will have your first hospitalization for wanting to commit suicide and this event will be the tidal wave of realization that leads you two to divorce. He will not let you say goodbye to his children and you feel a sense of immense sadness because of that. During all this you and he will be living in Las Vegas. You stay in Vegas and he goes back to Phoenix. You start a warm up of self-destruction for the first year and then it accelerates to a major depressive episode that influences your decision to move back home and living in Indianapolis. The self-destruction will start again. You push down the feelings of failure, loneliness, apathy, and shame. Sleeping, working, and drinking will be your life for another 2 years. Ultimately leading to your second hospitalization. More failure, more pain. The pain of depression is like a full body cast weighing 500 pounds. The idea of getting up and moving sincerely feels like an absolutely impossible task. Some will describe depression as an emptiness, which is partly true. As you get closer to suicidal, the pain has an added emotion. It fills your entire being with hatred for your very own soul and everything about it.  "Death would be kinder" is all you will think of at this time in your life. You will hit the lowest of all lows. You will not have one speck of hope in your mind that things will get better. A month and a few days after getting discharged from the psych ward, you will create your master plan for the perfect suicide. There is no one that will be able to help you and there will be no one to bring you back from the ledge of your master plan.

You make your plan, get off the ground and yell "What fucking good are you? If not now, when?" This is directed toward God. You will have attended 4 Sundays of church and will have attempted to read in the bible. At this moment- your thought is that God doesn't care about you. Which is wonderful for the reason that it means that you still believe he exists, even if it is on a very thin thread of belief. You fall asleep 30 minutes later. 

At precisely 1:00 am, you will sit bolt upright in bed, as if someone blew a bullhorn in the apartment. It will only take half of a breath for you to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God took it all from you. You will even dance and jump up and down. Then you will get on your knees, bow your head, and say "God, I love you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am yours."

You will study the bible, pray diligently, and attend church. On August 16, 2015, you will be baptized at the Redemption Christian Church in Jasper (formerly Christian Church of Jasper) and you will be born again. 

It won't be easy at first to believe fully in God and all that goes along with that belief. You will read books for skeptics, watch documentaries, and pray for wisdom. He then calls you to go to Greece in January to aid the Syrian Refugees.You actually heard a voice in your head to "Just go." He delivers all that you need and you will be changed forever from that experience. You will grow in your Christian life, quite beautifully actually. Prayer for close friends and family, God's work in your own life, and a 4 day weekend attending the Walk to Emmaus, gives God his permanent resting place in your heart. You have a vision of him visiting you in the middle of the night. You see your Grandparents clearly in your mind while listening to the room sing How Great Thou Art. They will be laughing and smiling, even waving at you. 

You will want to tell everyone you know the story. You will want to plead with them to believe you because all you want is for them to experience a world filled with God's blessings for them. Like being given an envelope with $9 zillion dollars in it and not opening the envelope because they don't believe it's in there. Not even their curiosity will get them to open the envelope (their mind to the contemplation of God being real and that there is a chance that their lives will be so wonderfully moved if they would seek in earnest honesty the truth of God.)

Your faith and wondrous gratitude will be continually fueled by your choices that uphold God's standards for living righteously. You will be shocked everyday that this "God" thing is really, real. You will pray to have your heart broken for what breaks his. You will ask for the strength, love and wisdom to be his hands and feet. You will hear that evil enemy's voice begin to speak, but it will never get two words in edge wise. I promise you dear Brooke that your journey through the first 40 years of your life will be a testimony of just how much grace there is when you give your heart to God. 

Talk to you soon,

You as me.