I never wanted to believe in God. All those rules and restrictions on my life, I would be a constant sinner and would most likely burn in hell. Surely there had to be something a little more "believable" then the Mr. Know it all, See it all. I grew up with very little religious influence, so I'm not sure where I came to think that there were all these "rules and restrictions." I mean at most there were 10.
When I was in high school, I knew the rules I was expected to live by and they went something like this: no bubble gum in class, no lying, no dating until I was 16, no drinking, smoking, drugs, or sex. My curfew was 11:00 pm. Trust me when I tell you that I was keenly aware of every rule I broke and ended up being anxious about being found out. Yes, there were a few times I didn't find a way to "break the rules" to my advantage. I would pout a little, maybe a lot. Do you know what happened? I got good grades and was voted most athletic in my class. I had friends and after I graduated, I attended college with three of them.
I did not cause "trouble" in school. I wasn't rebellious, angry, flippant or brooding. My mother worked from home and I had breakfast made for me and my sisters every morning. I had so many reasons to be set up for success and I feel blessed that I had it easy. So, so many children do not.
When God answered my yells of anger, rage even, interrupting my self-absorbed, self-centered endless talk in my head about my worthlessness and agony of depression, from the bottom of that pit I grabbed onto His hand without even thinking that there were "rules and restrictions" attached. I didn't even take a full breath before I realized I had new life in me. And isn't that just the cheesiest thing you've ever heard? We've heard the stories, met the eyes of others in unified exasperation for the 'holy roller' that found the guts to speak about God or Jesus or even just commenting on something that had happened in church. Freaking gullible nerd. I'm guessing you've been there right? I know now that the joke is on me. I don't ask you to not roll your eyes at this or ignore the voice in your head saying "here she goes again." All I ask is that you follow me through this analogy.
That half breath made me a believer in God. So I read, a lot. I prayed for understanding and forgiveness. Shoot, I prayed to be taught how to pray! I just couldn't think of any other way to say thank you for saving my life. How does one do that? I attended church and read the bible. I bought books and I felt the accepting and loving energy during service. Guess what- those rules and restrictions? Whether you believe in God or not, you know in your gut when you are doing something that probably isn't right. Maybe to you it isn't a sin, but whatever you call it, you carry with you a speck of knowledge that there was probably a better choice. So we respond to the rights and wrongs of our hearts whether we believe in God or not. The difference between me believing in God and you not believing in God, is that I sin, but still get God's blessings in my life. I have a loving person who knows that I will sin and knows that I am not perfect. A person who's words are written down for all to see that tell of a Father's love of a Son and of His creation. His blueprint for living the happiest, most loving life are right there. My Father has set me up for success. He has fed me, helped me grow, protected me,steered me when I have been lost, and loved me through my weakness to temptation. To not know this love, to not feel the holy spirit inside of you, is like growing up with absolutely no rules and possibly no one to care if you broke them. For some that may look like dropping out of school, partying and getting started into drugs that you just couldn't get yourself out of, or maybe a pregnancy that definitely wasn't part of the plan. It could be that your home life left you hurt, angry and confused. You might never have had breakfast made for you. You may never have really known what it felt like to be truly loved.
Maybe all is well. You go about your life, doing what you want- good, bad or indifferent. You have no wants, needs, or desires that you can't fulfill for yourself. Maybe you are restless to get going in life- to start adulting like grown folks. You find a good job, good friends, but yet, you just know you aren't where you are supposed to be. You meditate and do yoga- you may think to yourself that you are not good at meditation because surely if you were then the effects would be like you read about or saw on TV. Maybe you even had the thought cross your mind that if you did like Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat, Pray, Love- devoting a month in an ashram to find your inner peace, then you'd have it. You reach for that something out there, even berating yourself because you aren't thin enough, good looking enough, tall enough, or make enough money. You actually strive for those things because you believe that's what is missing. Maybe your marriage has left you both feeling lost not knowing how to possibly reconcile all that has come to stand between you. Maybe you have a revolving door of temporary relationships and can't figure out what is going on with you and why you can't find the one. Finances that flop, big dreams that come and go with the tide and apathy and frustration are your sidekicks.
(I'm speaking from experience with a lot of these, so hear me out.)
I need to tell you that the answer is there. That something that is missing and you are sure it isn't God- is God. It is the bond to the world you search for and it is the peace you have been practicing but never find. It is the one who knows your heart and has been waiting to comfort you when it breaks. It is the near miss of a car accident or the saving breath that kept you alive when no person should have ever lived through it. You can bring up the wars, the terror, the killing done for this God I speak of and you can be bitter about how organized religion has only been a hiding ground for hypocrites. You smirk that there could be no God with the senseless deaths of children, or the ravages of cancer. Say it, believe it, accept it as it has been laid out to you. Be angry about it. Tell me to fuck off this very instant. Tell me no thank you I'm not drinking the Kool-aid. All I can ask you is to consider that all of that exists because there is a God. The word of God has been used for evil, misconstrued for personal, political, monetary gain. There is no end to God's goodness that can be used by anyone for, or against, something to their benefit. How else does one elevate their dark and twisted soul but to use the best of the best, the Holiest of Holies? Do you think that there could be such evil in this world without a God? You say "ah-ha" you just worked yourself into a corner. Without God then the world would be a better place. Maybe your line of thinking wanders further on and you say that you live a good life, don't hurt others, and help the needy, the sick, the orphaned. You've never killed anyone or profited from the murder of someone, and maybe if everyone was like you the world would be rainbows and unicorns. I say, great- if you are living your life like that then is your life rainbows and unicorns? Probably not. Why? Because the population of the world isn't one. It's over 7 billion. But giving yourself the permission to believe in the possibility of God is one step closer.
One of my arguments was always that I was spiritual but not religious. I look back now and see a vision of that in my mind- spiritual but not religious looks like the walking dead. For you can not know the great magnificence of life if you don't believe in the one who created it. It can only be revealed to the believing mind. Until you come to your demise or to the end of the very last thread of your being, or hopefully in that moment when you feel the spirit stir in your soul and you seek to give it room to grow, it is then that you get it.
Ask the universe to give you wisdom for truth. Ask the universe to show you the way. Ask the universe for anything. Just know in your heart that the answer is coming and believe it when it does.
Or pray. Pray "God if you are real, I'm willing to let you show me."
No comments:
Post a Comment