Shame on me.

It's very dangerous to pray for God to prepare you for the plan He has for your life. For he will certainly oblige. Our deepest wisdom often comes from the dark, sometimes shameful and often times painful places we've allowed ourselves to visit. I think of God as my tour guide through those things, plus through a lot of things I had refused to even see. Hell, I didn't refuse them really, I straight up didn't even know that they existed.
I've prayed a lot of selfish prayers over the course of my 39 years. Most recently, I prayed before submitting a profile on a dating site "Please God, only bring someone into my life that will strengthen and support my life in service to you." Really- a dating site, I kid you not. Sheesh. In theory it isn't really that bad of a prayer, until you realize I was trying to talk God into doing things my way. What I see now is that there was a lot of emotion to that prayer. It wasn't very specific, but it felt a lot like hope. Firstly, I was hoping that I wouldn't come across the usual online dating profile of bathroom mirror selfies, way too tight t-shirts and hair gel (have I missed something? do they sale those as a package deal?). Secondly, I was hoping that the matches that did fit the bill for taking their religion very seriously, weren't from the Westboro Baptist Church. Lastly, I was hoping it wouldn't be a lot of dead end messaging that would inevitably dwindle away into oblivion.
What? Can't a girl set ridiculously high expectations for a free, no frills dating site? (Coffee Meets Bagel, in case you were wondering).
God has an interesting way of answering prayers. I have only gotten one match to this day. It was a gift from God. Of course, it didn't really end up like the gift I had hoped for, which made it even more necessary. Now, don't misunderstand me, Mr. Bagel met so, so many of the expectations I had and it was so refreshing to sit and talk for hours on end about, well, anything. I couldn't believe this intelligent, kind, and if I might add, gorgeous guy, would sit across from me and be legitimately interested in me.  Isn't it just like life (read = my neurotic tendencies when it comes to fear of rejection) to rear it's shameful, hideous head? The anxiety of not knowing what would happen or how things would all turn out showed up in what I thought was an intuitive hunch. Yes, he had already been talking with another woman, that he met before me and they had continued to do so. How DARE he not see that I am the most worthy of them all.
What? Can't a girl demand such ridiculous validation in hopes of  fueling one small spark of self worth? I think back and realize I've done this same thing with EVERY date and job application. I must be seen as the most desirable, qualified, fantastic person, and it must be known by those involved instantaneously. As if I was everything to everyone. Guess how many times in my life I've gotten that kind of validation? Well, ok fine, there might have been that one time, but I had to divorce him when he started destroying my soul. You would think I would've learned that receiving instant validation is just as much of a warning sign as wanting, no, needing the validation in the first place. The Lord is a top notch therapist.
It really was a great week. Yes, it took me one week to completely lose my shit. It's kind of like that project in school where we had to carry the egg around and make sure it didn't break. The overbearing, overprotective kids always broke their eggs. Eventually. Holding on tight for safety resulted in a broken shell. God was kind enough to put this humpty dumpty back together again. See, shame is a pretty difficult thing to deal with and I was ashamed because I was needy and weak and fearful. I was ashamed that I couldn't shake the emotional hangover of it all. I was ashamed for feeling like I was being "that girl" and I was ashamed for even caring in the first place. Then in some soul searching about my aversion to being vulnerable, I became ashamed of that too. Guess what shame does to us- it makes us bullies or it makes us withdraw completely. So, I proceeded to fill my thoughts and his cell phone with every detail of what HE did to mislead me. (It would've been nice to have someone elbow me and say 'Hey, your crazy is showing'. It was a testament to his character that he didn't do it). I mean, what guy doesn't get on his knees and beg forgiveness for something that was never done in the first place. What guy doesn't want to spend more time with the girl who was in essence pointing her finger and saying, you should be ashamed of yourself? Shame loves company. Misery tends to shuffle right up next to shame and it's all over except for the voodoo doll.
I have so much gratitude for this entire encounter. I would never have learnt that I needed to be patient with myself when I am vulnerable. I might never have recognized the behaviour as bullying instead of the passive- aggressive (ok, maybe more aggressive- passive) commentary that I thought I had every right to dish out.
I would never have known what it was like to be proud of someone for setting their boundaries and staying true to their needs. Admiring him for doing something I have never seemed to be able to do. And the strength of being able to say all of this with humility and grace. At least, that's what I'm aiming for.
Yes, meeting Mr.Bagel has certainly strengthened and supported my life in service of the Lord.
In great praise for Him, through which all things are possible.
B.